Friday, June 8, 2012

Speedy Lobster!

On a recent trip to Candy Mountain that took 14 hours on the rainbow highway, not including ice cream stops and picture opportunities, of which there were many, Dave hunted for the scent of a rare beast. A monster so vicious and terrible and with claws so sharp and pointy that only the stupid or those with a death-wish would even contemplate setting their eyes upon it.

Dave first heard about Speedy Lobster whilst reading Human Owner Monthly, that comes once a fortnight. There was a long and dread-filled article highlighting the pointyness and general nastiness of the lobster's teeth and claws. The beautiful prose of the piece caught Dave's poetic side and he swore to hunt down the cruel crustation the next chance he got. Due to working overtime at his training course he had some extra hours and decided to put them to good use, by taking a holiday to track the vile sea nightmare.

A first-class documentary team was hired to follow Dave into the creature's nest and Mr Attenborough was brought out of retirement to provide voice-over duties. (He later backed out citing a full schedule but the quaver in his whispered voice over the telephone betrayed his true reason; fear.)

So anyway, there we were at the top of Candy Mountain enjoying the vista of joy and chocolate flavoured cheese when down swooped Speedy Lobster himself, in the shell. Dave, without a moments thought for his own safety, leaped forwards and sunk his canines into Speedy's bum. An epic death struggle ensued that lasted many weeks and months and brought much destruction to Candy Mountain, hardly a jelly bean was left unscathed.

29 years later an archeology team found an abandoned camcorder that contained footage the like of which they had never seen, nor imaged they would ever see; actual footage of Speedy Lobster! It had not been a hoax, their grandfathers had been correct, all those bedtime stories were true. Using a hefty arts grant from the Swedish government the footage was restored and placed on youtube for the world to see. For the world to see the truth. However, the truth was not wholly true? Another camera was discovered which seemed to show the victorious Speedy Lobster sat upon Dave T. Dog, whether this was at the end of the battle or during a rest period, only history and the sweet sugary winds of Candy Mountain will ever know.

End of battle or a pause?

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